So kids, wanna know what's new with the me? Here goes...
My definition of a "leader" or "leadership" in general has been totally wrecked since coming to Bethel. (and as in wrecked, i mean in a good way) Leaders are transparent; which is something I was never. "Was" being the key word.
So, I'm going to put into practice my new theory of leaership with you all and be possibly painfully, transparent.
This has been flippin' hard. Looking in to the eyes of Jesus and saying "YES!" is one thing...living a bagillion miles away from your family is another. I have 2 jobs! I work almost 40 hours a week and I'm going to Ministry school. Don't get me wrong, my lover is worth EVERYTHING, but I'm being totally honest here. Honoring God is number one on my list of priorities...but not everyone in my world sees this action the same way I do.
What about where the Bible says that families will split---don't take this too literally!--brother against brother? And then there's the Turn the hearts of the children to the Father's and vice versa (or however you spell that)?
That kids is living life in the tension of truth.
Truth. hmmm...I'm not perfect! I'm not a perfect leader, but I've grown alot in my leadership skills. I was (remember that little 'ol word was) always afraid for you guys to know that I wasn't perfect. I always found my identity and my value in what I was doing in the name of minisrty or for God. I ditched my family so many times so I could do that whole "I'm the leader" thing. I never let it look like that though. I tried to look like I was on top of things and had everything at home going for me to be "the leader of all things leadable".
How'd that work out for you? you may ask...well, I missed my own (and not to mention some of my best friends) one and only High School Graduation, because I was going to be a part of this ministry, that actually chewed me up toughened me up then spit me out. Only to move a bagillion miles away to have my family feel disconnected from me and feel like I really don't care, all to be prepared to go into ministry.
wow. You know kids, sometimes you just don't know what's in you till you're squeezed. That's when the yuck is able to leave and you can be renewed by God's grace and favor. I've been squeezed alot this year. You guys all know I love to travel and try new things (Nathan, Ethan, Joey-remember when you guys made me try sushi last summer?), but it really is hard living my own life while still trying to be a daughter to my parents and the best and only big sister my siblings will ever know.
I'm actually not sorry if this has made your opinion of me a bit sour. I'm not going to try and control what anyone thinks of me anymore, no offense but it's just not worth it. I know I've never really told you guys my struggles before, but I knew I had to be strong for you or me or something like that. Because you see, I am paving the way. Really. I'm walking a road that's never been walked in my family or among friends. I'm laying a foundation for all of you to seek revival with less hardship than I. I never let you in on this part because I didn't want you to fear for me. I didn't want people to question my parents any more than they already had. I thought people would think I was less crazy if I only told you about the good stuff in my life. But then my parents felt like I was only telling them the bad or hard stuff, so I didn't feel like I could really say anything.
But then I had a revelation. And I had an encouter with God. I got to preach on a Sunday morning service at a church in Mexico! And I got to speak at a church in Southern California!
I am still a leader, now I'm just a real one. I hope that this is another road not yet taken until now, and I hope this relieves any and all performance driven actions in the lives of you who read this. I'm doing my best now more than ever, not from working and doing stuff for an appearence, but from alowing God to work in and on me no matter the cost...and what I always tried to appear will be true and real.
You are all Royalty. | 
